


Full Moon Life

by Magistra



Category: Kingdom Hearts
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon Compliant, Emotional Baggage, Emotional Hurt, Emotionally Repressed, Friends to Lovers, Friendship, M/M, Mutual Pining, Playlist, Regret, Self-Sacrifice
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-14
Updated: 2019-02-14
Packaged: 2019-10-28 02:40:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 3,816
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17779016
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Magistra/pseuds/Magistra
Summary: An Akusai/Leaisa playlist from Isa’s POV, with a series of ficlets running through Isa's life as Saix and his feelings towards Lea and Axel.





	1. We Are Golden - Mika

**Author's Note:**

> The playlist can be found here! It's my first attempt at this, so please go easy on me, haha.
> 
> https://open.spotify.com/user/11159479487/playlist/7tslecoGldcfDBEZSG6iVO?si=6sW2GDftQgqC552G6D3Fpg

_“Teenage dreams in a teenage circus_  
_Running around like a clown on purpose_  
_Who gives a damn about the family you come from?_  
_No giving up when you’re young and you want some.”_

Isa and Lea were two of many kids in Radiant Garden, spending their summer days together lazing around the town square. Their minds were full of questions, their hearts were full of potential. In those days, friendship sustained them: When Isa was morose, Lea was always there to cheer him up. When Lea struggled with school work, Isa would help him through. Together, they were unstoppable. And they were close… Isa hoped they’d be closer than friends someday. They had kissed once, and he couldn't stop dreaming of more. Anything could happen.

 _“Now I’m sitting alone,I’m finally looking around_  
_Left here on my own, I’m gonna hurt myself_  
_Maybe losing my mind,I’m still wondering why_  
_Had to let the world let it bleed me dry”_


	2. A Forest - The Cure

_“Come closer and see, See into the trees_  
_Find the girl if you can._  
_Come closer and see, See into the dark_  
_Just follow your eyes, Just follow your eyes.”_

The house on the edge of town was a strange place. Nobody knew what happened there, but everyone kept away. Rumours flew around the schoolyard. Was it haunted? Did somebody die there? Did a mad scientist have a secret lab in the basement? The rumours were many, the truths were few.

One day, just for fun, Isa and Lea climbed the crumbling walls and broke into the house. They snuck down into a room full of strange machines and spent a while poking around before they heard footsteps on the room above. As a man in a lab coat thumped down the stairs, Lea and Isa tried to hide in a closet... And found themselves in another room entirely.

A girl lay on a hard, white bed, hooked up to a bank of machines. Lea didn't dare go near her, but Isa touched her. She was breathing, but her skin was cold. He looked up to find Lea waving at him. The redhead made a cutting motion across his neck, mimed being dead, and pointed at the girl. Isa shook his head no, and Lea seemed shocked. "Then we need to get her out of here!" he said out loud, forgetting that there was someone else on the other side of the door.

The boys were caught and tossed out, but they made plans and sneaked into the house again through a window. This time, they didn't make it to the lab before being caught. A young man with white hair and golden eyes sat them down and explained that they should not be poking around a private lab. It could be dangerous, they could be hurt. If they wanted to learn more, they should consider becoming apprentices over the summer, but now, they'd have to leave.

What became of the girl? Isa never forgot her. Yet, he never saw her again.

 _“The girl was never there_  
_It’s always the same_  
_I’m running towards nothing_  
_Again and again and again and again”_


	3. Home - Mae

_“But now I’m fighting in the thick of it,_  
_And feeling so alone_  
_I take a chance, just one more chance_  
_To get me anywhere”_

They were settling down into a routine as summer apprentices when suddenly, everything changed. One evening, they arrived at the old house and Ansem the Wise, the strange yet kindly old man who ran the lab, was gone.

In his place was Xehanort, a young man with golden eyes and a dangerous smile, the same one who had suggested the boys apprentice themselves. He lead everyone to the lab, where he gave a short, confusing explanation about what would happen going forward. Isa was as smart as any of the adults in the room, but… Death? He didn’t understand. This didn't sound like research. It sounded like a schoolyard myth. Isa glanced out the window at the full moon and knew he needed to go.

He grabbed Lea’s hand and tried to run, but Lea tripped over a chair and fell. “Get out, Isa!” Lea had screamed, but Isa didn’t let go of him for a second. Isa’s fingers desperately grabbed the door handle. He had one second to realise the door was locked before Xehanort bore down upon him. Everyone in the house died… And rose again as Nobodies. 

 _“And now I’m running, I’m moving too fast_  
_So here we go (ohh)_  
_And where I’m headed to, it’s nobody’s guess_  
_So here we go (ohh)”_


	4. Give Me It - The Cure

_“Get away from me_   
_Get your fingers out of my face_   
_This room’s so hot, This room’s so hot_   
_I break the walls”_

Saix. Isa’s new name. Xemnas had renamed him along with the others the previous day, when they had all risen again. Anyway, Saix stood in the strange, impossible-feeling space at the top of the sterile white building where they had all been taken. Xemnas stood before him, a displeased expression on his face; he had asked for Lea to come, calling him by his new name, Axel. Yet, here was Saix, the smarter of the two. “Saix. Where is Axel?” he asked.

A picture of Lea’s face, red from crying, filled Isa’s mind. Lea’s voice had whispered, “He’s gonna get rid of me, like that girl.” His hands on Isa’s shoulders shook like leaves, yet his fingers had pressed in so hard they hurt.  Isa knew then what he had to do to keep Lea safe… and perhaps to find their hearts. Maybe even their lost friend.

“I’d make a better test subject than him,” said Isa - no, Saix. “I’m smarter. I’d be able to help you more. You don’t want a meathead for a vessel. He doesn’t understand. He can be useful in other ways.”

Xemnas nodded. “I’m surprised you understand what a vessel is. Very well, if you volunteer…” He walked up to the boy, pulling a knife from his robes. “Close your eyes.”

Saix stood, resolute. Though he has been assured he could no longer feel, he was sure he was doing the right thing. 

Then, the pain hit and his mind twisted, and he suddenly, horribly, knew what being a vessel meant. Turns out, he hadn’t truly understood at all.

_“Give me it give me it give me it_   
_Make me blind_   
_One step back and one step down_   
_And slip the needles in my side.”_


	5. Lay Down - Caravan Palace

_“I get sick and I can’t get to heaven_  
_Oh, my soul is bound, can’t be_  
_And I get sick and I can’t get to heaven_  
_Oh, my soul is bound for hell”_

Saix woke up, and he knew who he was. He also knew what was in him. “You’re awake!” shouted a familiar voice. Lea? No. Axel’s hand was in his. Saix turned his face to look at Axel and saw the tear drops he had drawn on his face before going to see Xemnas were still easily visible. “What happened?” Axel asked. “He cut your face, Isa. What did you do?”

Isa sat up carefully. His face was on fire, but the worst pain was a more abstract one. Before, he had felt an absence inside. They had all seemingly lost something when they died - Their hearts, Xemnas had said. But now, Saix could feel that void was partially full. Full of what? Full of - 

He doubled over in pain, clutching his chest. Axel leapt to his feet shouting, but Saix could not hear him over the pain. What had been done to him? What was inside him? He needed to be alone. “I’ll be fine,” he hissed between gritted teeth. “Go get Xemnas, Axel.” 

Despite the use of his new name, Axel reacted instantly and ran from the room, shouting “Don’t die before I get back!” over his shoulder.

In the past, Isa would have called “Already dead!” after Lea. But Saix was in too much pain and needed to think. Xemnas owed him an explanation. What would he ask?

_“Can’t be nobody for to lay down_  
_Fall on my knees and begin_  
_Can’t be nobody for to turn me out”_


	6. Love Will Tear Us Apart - Joy Division

_“When routine bites hard, And ambitions are low_  
_And resentment rides high, But emotions won’t grow_  
_And we’re changing our ways, Taking different roads_  
_Love, love will tear us apart again”_

Over the years, as puberty continued and finished, Saix learned at Xemnas’s right hand. He saw Axel less and less as the flame-haired boy trained in other areas, becoming a truly formidable fighter. It would have hurt Isa to not spend time with Lea, but not having true feelings made things easier for Saix. As Xemnas relied on him more, he felt stronger. He knew he’d be able to eventually find out where to find that girl… He could barely remember her face, but she had become a project to him, and Saix ALWAYS completed his projects.

For a few years, every night he made sure to draw the inverted triangles under Axel’s eyes for him. One night, Axel sat up at the end of it all and mumbled something about “never crying again” before kissing Saix. Saix knew he couldn’t really feel, but what was left of Isa in him was desperate to kiss more.

The triangles were fresh on Axel’s face, but Saix kissed them off that night. Part of his mind told him he shouldn’t, that it wouldn’t end well, that things had changed too much for this to be a good idea now, but his memories of love and desire were too strong to resist. Given the chance to kiss Lea, Isa would have chosen to kiss him every time. Just hearing Axel moan “Isa” made Saix shiver with the echoes of teenage desire. His breath, lips, and tongue formed the name "Lea" as if it were a prayer. It had been so long since he had last said it. If the walls of the World That Never Was had ears, they would have memorised those names that night. 

 _“Love, love will tear us apart again_  
_Love, love will tear us apart again”_


	7. Cut - The Cure

_“If only you’d never speak to me the way that you do_  
_If only you’d never speak like that, it’s like listening to_  
_A breaking heart, A falling sky_  
_Fire go out and friendship die._  
_I wish you felt the way that I still do.”_

The Luna Diviner and the Flurry of Dancing Flames had a few good years of separate daily work and nights together before things changed. As they grew from boys into men, their plans developed as well.

True, the affection between them slowly faded as the memories of their younger days seemed more distant, but they still had physical needs to satisfy together. Besides, they had found a strong, new connection in a carefully-planned vendetta against Xemnas. With Saix at the head and Axel doing the legwork, everything was going according to plan, at first. 

Then, Saix made two crucial mistakes: firstly, he had assumed that Axel, due to his incredible prowess and perceived loyalty, would be the perfect guardian to Roxas, a keyblade wielder and the newest member of Organization 13. For the same reason, he sent Axel to Castle Oblivion to take care of an internal dispute among the Organization’s members. Saix could trust Axel. Axel would do the dirty work without questioning or hesitating - Until that mission. 

Castle Oblivion was a disaster. Over a few weeks, Saix found their situation changed. Axel stopped seeking him out and began to complain in a serious way about Saix entering his room. Saix tried to give him space, but that only seemed to make things worse. Soon, they were exchanging curt reports and instructions in hallways and only visiting each other when physically desperate. 

And all that time he wasn’t spending with Saix any more? Axel spent it with Roxas and that replica keyblade wielder Vexen had made and named Xion. Saix would hear their laughter down hallways and from the common areas. He grew colder still, throwing himself into his work for Xemnas. It didn’t matter. He had things to do, and ingratiating himself to the leader of Organization XIII was a full-time job in itself. Did Axel look hurt when Saix snapped at him or told him off? Good. Familiarity could only lead to more pain now. There would be time to fix things later. Now, with the keyblade wielders around, there was nothing but work to do. 

 _“If only you’d never look at me,The way that you do_  
_If only you’d never look like that when I look at you_  
_I see face like stone, Eyes of ice_  
_Mouth so sweetly telling lies,_  
_I wish you felt the way that I still do.”_


	8. Throat Full of Glass - Combichrist

_“Like a disease, I’m always in the wrong_  
_And now the numbness wearing off_  
_Can’t stand the pain._  
_I get in line, I always do”_

He’d never had such a lapse of judgement. If he’d had feelings, he’d be kicking himself. Wait - why would he be guilty of anything? Had he pushed Xion to run away to Castle Oblivion? No. Had he pushed Roxas to leave? No. Had he chased Axel away? Of course not. 

The three of them were gone, but had any of this ruined Xemnas’s plans? Not even! If anything, things were going better now that the real keyblade wielder was back in action. That kid had morals and a kind heart, which made him easier to control than Roxas ever had been. Thank goodness Roxas was gone. It would be much easier to put down this do-gooder once he had outlived his usefulness. 

He barely thought of Axel's absence. No, things were better without him. Let him run off on a wild goose chase, searching for people who didn't exist. Saix didn't live for memories any more. He was free to look to the future. 

Xemnas was happy. Kingdom Hearts was growing. Soon, it would be complete. And when it was complete… Nothing would matter any more, and Saix would be ready with Lunatic to put that keyblade wielder away for good. Roxas or Sora, it didn’t matter. That kid was trouble, just like Xemnas, and soon all his troubles would be over. 

 _“Nothing left to break my rivals_  
_In a thousand pieces, million reasons_  
_Why should I keep myself away?”_


	9. Pictures of You - The Cure

_“Remembering you fallen into my arms,_  
_Crying for the death of your heart_  
_You were stone white, so delicate, lost in the cold_  
_You were always so lost in the dark”_

Saix never thought a keyblade would feel the way it did. It cut into his very essence, into his being, but pain? Where was the pain?

Isa would be screaming, but Isa was long gone. Soon, Saix would be gone too. As he tried desperately to hold his fading body up, all he felt was numbness. Dying like this? This wasn't part of the plan. He’d rather die like the first time, running with Lea’s hand in his own.

Lea? Where was Lea? Kingdom Hearts shone brightly overhead. The words tumbled from his lips. “Where is my heart?” His hand was empty as he crumpled to the ground and faded into nothing. 

_“There was nothing in the world that I ever wanted more_  
_Than to feel you deep in my heart._  
_There was nothing in the world that I ever wanted more_  
_Than to never feel the breaking apart_  
_All my pictures of you”_


	10. Night/Day - Mae

_“There are things about me I just can’t ignore_  
_I know I want to change when I see that door_  
_On the other side, daylight decides there will be war with sleeping in_  
_Oh, I know there’ll be no more sleeping in, yeah”_

Isa gained consciousness. He quickly opened his eyes and looked around himself. He was back in the lab on the edge of Radiant Garden. The lab was a mess of overturned furniture and broken equipment. The bodies of many people lay around him; it was the other people who had worked here, the same ones whose Nobodies had been part of Organization XIII. And if they were here…

Lea! Lea’s body lay prone nearby. Isa dragged himself to Lea, resting his head on his chest. He breathed a sigh of relief; he could hear Lea’s heart beating. Good, he was alive too. Perhaps he could drag the taller man out to safety. Surely he could be happy to see… Wait. No. In horror, Isa recoiled from Lea, a wave of disgust hitting him. What had he done? Isa was painfully aware of what Saix - no, he himself, had done. How could Lea forgive him for all that?

Then, footsteps. Braig. Isa was pulled to his feet. “You’re coming with me,” said the taller, stronger man. “Sorry, but Xemnas needs his vessels.”

For a moment, Isa felt desperation and the will to fight rise in him.Then, a cold anger descended. It was a comfortable feeling; Isa recognized it as how Saix had felt for a very long time. Saix had  _felt_? Well, he must have. Anyway, this feeling was familiar. He almost let himself smile. He could feel a plan beginning to stir in his mind. If he played his cards right, he could perhaps swing this messy situation to his advantage. Saix… Isa… Perhaps there wasn’t that much difference after all. And if there wasn’t, what was losing his heart once more going to mean as long as he could make things right? “Unhand me,” he said to Braig, his voice calm and icy as usual. “I understand, I’ll go with you. Let’s go before these useless ones wake up.”

Inside, he began to think of what he would need to pull this off.

_“I’ve been putting off this purification_  
_A rebirth and regeneration inside of me_  
_And I’ve been saying no for far too long_  
_Even though something brand new is coming out of me.”_


	11. Everything + Where there is Light - VNV Nation

_“Don’t tell me it’s the end of everything_  
_It always seems the darkest before the light_  
_So fragile and breaking apart_  
_Finding solace in the knowledge of what’s right_  
_All that’s holy, sacred and divine_  
_Guarding over all within its sight”_

A Guardian… That was what Lea apparently wanted to be now. Saix, or Isa, whatever, was amused. Of course Lea would want to be a keyblade wielder. Isa felt Lea would probably be quite good at it.

While Lea was busy out there, Isa was hard at work in the shadows. He kept up the pretense of being a loyal follower of Xemnas and the other Xehanorts', but his true efforts were focused on how to right the wrongs he had caused. He and Vexen, whom he had re-recruited, brought the puppet Xion back to life together. Then, Vexen began to work on a replica body for Roxas while Isa trained the puppet - patiently, at that. This time, Lea wasn’t an obstacle between them, since both he and the puppet were working for the same end. In getting to know her, he came to think of her of a person in her own right. Slowly, he began to see the face of a bright, young girl where once he had only seen a blank.

They worked very hard together, since Isa knew Lea was working hard too and the two of them would have to be better fighters than Lea to succeed. Finally, Isa found himself around the corner of the clock tower, where he knew Lea was. Xion had encouraged him to see Lea once before the final outcome of all their work was decided; what would he say? A long speech he was composing in his head was interrupted when Lea sighed deeply and mumbled to himself, causing Isa to notice the extra ice creams in his hand. It had been a long time since Isa had had ice cream. 

_“Can you see the light_  
_As far as the eyes can see_  
_From this point above the world_  
_Where mortals dare their destiny_  
_As it radiates_  
_May I witness open-eyed_  
_Let me remain where there is light”_


	12. Gilgamesh - Gypsy and the Cat

_“I feel the light, it cuts my face,_  
_I’m staring at the wall_  
_It won’t be long til’ we embrace,_  
_I’m knocking on your wall”_

Isa welcomed the feeling of the keyblade plunging into his body. It cut into him and he fell with a grunt. The feeling of this existence fading was as unpleasant as it had been the first time, but when he looked up at Lea’s face, he felt calm. He didn’t know that Xion had started to tear up and that Roxas only half-understood what had happened, all he could do was look up at Lea and feel glad that this time, he would neither die alone nor scared, clutching Lea’s hand in his. This time, Lea’s arms were both wrapped around him. His head pressed against Lea’s chest. He could smell Lea’s sweat, feel the warmth of his body, hear his heart pounding in his chest. Perhaps everything wasn’t forgiven yet, but it would be soon. Time to let go. 

“See you, Isa.”

“See you, Lea.”

_“If I die, please don’t cry_  
_I’ll be there, by your side_  
_If I die, please don’t cry_  
_I’ll be there, inside your arms”_


	13. The Sun and Moon - Mae

_“Wasted time…_  
_I cannot say that I was ready for this, but_  
_When worlds collide,_  
_And all that I have is all that I want,_  
_The words seem to flow and the thoughts, they keep running,_  
_And all that I have is yours;_  
_All that I am is yours.”_

Isa looked out over the sea. “Well, we’re going to need a new frisbee,” he said. 

Lea ruffled Ventus’s hair. “You've got a strong throwing arm, buddy,” he said, laughing. “Better than mine, haha. Hey, why don’t you go catch up with the others and see how the barbecue is going?”

As Ventus ran off to where Xion and Roxas were trying to light a barbecue, Lea wandered over to Isa and wrapped an arm around his shoulders. “Are you ok?” he asked.

“Never been better,” replied Isa. He pulled the frisbee out of his coat and tossed it aside. “But I wanted a moment with you.”

Lea grinned at him, stepping to face him. “Hey! That was pretty sneaky,” he scolded. 

Isa smiled back. “You know what they say. Once a villain…”

He didn’t finish his sentence before Lea’s mouth found his. Isa’s eyes closed and the words slipped away. This was all he had ever wanted. He was finally at peace.

_“Painted skies…_  
_I’ve seen so many that cannot compare to_  
_Your ocean eyes._  
_The pictures you took that cover your room,_  
_And it was just like the sun, but more like the moon –_  
_A light that can reach it all –_  
_So now I’m branded for taking the fall._

_So when you say, “forever, ”_  
_Can’t you see?…You’ve already captured me.”_


End file.
